We went in last Tuesday for our 10 week doctors appointment hoping to see a healthy little tadpole. After our miscarriage earlier this year I was so eager to see a happy little speck of life on the screen. But with four children we know what a healthy ultrasound looks like and as my husband and
I stared at the screen there was nothing. There was a big space but no baby. We then went into a separate radiology department later that day to confirm that I had was experiencing a blighted ovum or that my body continued creating tissue for a failed pregnancy. There was my insides with a gaping huge black space again on a big screen.
We went home and I wept. I spent most of the day sleeping because frankly I did not want to be awake. And when I woke up I kept hoping my reality was a bad dream, that the ultrasound had not occurred. I kept hoping I was still expecting a baby. This wasn’t supposed to happen twice. But the reality is that there was no baby. Even though I had felt pregnant and had all the symptoms to go with it. There was no baby.
Since my body had not naturally miscarried I chose this time to take a pill which induced the miscarriage. A few days later and I am still dealing with the affects of this medication so it is hard to say if this was easier than another D&C I experienced earlier this year. I am still healing and working through each day with hope.
A talk on grief stated, “I have worked with many good people who wondered if they had lost faith because they felt profound sorrow at the passing of a loved one. They mistakenly thought that a person with a strong testimony should not feel deeply saddened at a loved one’s passing—as if mourning the loved one’s death were synonymous with a disbelief in the afterlife or the Savior’s promises.” 1
The truth is there is only one person who can understand our greif– how our individual minds and body reacts to sadness, despair, and trauma. Even those who have gone through the same exact experience cannot fully comprehend anothers pain or process of sadness. We are individual beings and our reactions and personalities differ like the snowflakes of winter.
This being said, I cannot deny the healing power of my Savior that applies equally to all of us, regardless of personality or faithfulness. I have felt love from Christ throughout my entire life. I cannot deny this. But though I feel my Savior’s love, this physical body and mind of mine feels the effects of loss. And as painful as it has been, I have been accepting these natural emotions and letting them flow. This is okay. Grief is okay, in fact it’s actually normal and often takes time.
I know that the word “patience” is placed in this scripture for a reason. We need patience, our trials take time. I know though that eventually the Lord can make my burden light. Greif takes time.Now, as I am in my own Gethsemane, I see how important than ever it is to not judge those in trials, especially ourselves. I have learned that grieving does not equal more or less belief. I’m reminded of the reality of our imperfect world and that sadness, pain, stress, anxiety, and fear are part of His plan.
I am grateful that in the last few days, while grieving I have felt the gift of hope. I know things will work out. I know this and hope that if any of you are struggling with grief or how to speak with a grieving loved one, this post might be of some help. Love to you all.
One of my best friends experiences a late miscarriage a few years ago and I happened to run into her right after she and her husband had found out. I must admit that I wish I had read these tips years ago so I could have done a better job of expressing my sorrow for them. Thank you for sharing all of this so I can be a better support to those around me!
Miscarriage is such a hard situation. I'm glad this could be helpful to you.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your comment.
I am so sorry! I don't know if I could get out of bed to be honest. We had good friend deliver a stillborn three months ago and I just can't understand why things like this have to happen. I am so very sorry for both your losses.
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the devstating pain of a miscarriage because I had a miscarriage in August. I, too, have four children and my husband and I were so excited to be expecting our fifth baby. We are in a better place now, but the loss still hurts us very much. I agree with you that we should take more care to console a loved one who has experienced a miscarriage. I remember someone whom I thought was a dear friend had text me to see if I had had a miscarriage. When I told her I did, she just text back "sorry" and I never heard from her again. I don't think she intended to be rude, but it hurt me very much because I could have used a little more love. I also think it's really brave of you to share your story. I am not ready yet to write about my miscarriage. In fact, there are many people who do not know I had one. It just hurts too much to talk about it right now. But reading your story gives me great hope. Thank you again for sharing your story. Again, my condolences to you and your family. Many prayers and much love to you!
I am so sorry for your loss sweetie. Please please let me know if I can help in any way and I can't wait to see you soon. Lots of love,
That’s so sad. Our Youth Director at church just lost a pregnancy this week. It was so sad to hear. I had lost four pregnancies, so I felt like I knew how to speak to her, but it’s always a tough conversation.
I was only public with my first loss, so I don’t know if I did the right thing by keeping it so quiet. We didn’t really receive much support, even from family and people we had shared with. Four times and not a card, or a flower, or even a hug, in some cases. It’s such a personal thing, but it has such an impact on your whole life and your family. Over the summer, our neighbor’s daughter got married – she was the same age as our first baby would have been. I had a moment of real sadness thinking of all the moments I missed with this child. But we did go on to have a healthy son, who is now in college, so that was a big consolation. I hope you get a happy ending like that soon.