We went in last Tuesday for our 10 week doctors appointment hoping to see a healthy little tadpole. After our miscarriage earlier this year I was so eager to see a happy little speck of life on the screen. But with four children we know what a healthy ultrasound looks like and as my husband and
I stared at the screen there was nothing. There was a big space but no baby. We then went into a separate radiology department later that day to confirm that I had was experiencing a blighted ovum or that my body continued creating tissue for a failed pregnancy. There was my insides with a gaping huge black space again on a big screen.
We went home and I wept. I spent most of the day sleeping because frankly I did not want to be awake. And when I woke up I kept hoping my reality was a bad dream, that the ultrasound had not occurred. I kept hoping I was still expecting a baby. This wasn’t supposed to happen twice. But the reality is that there was no baby. Even though I had felt pregnant and had all the symptoms to go with it. There was no baby.
Since my body had not naturally miscarried I chose this time to take a pill which induced the miscarriage. A few days later and I am still dealing with the affects of this medication so it is hard to say if this was easier than another D&C I experienced earlier this year. I am still healing and working through each day with hope.
A talk on grief stated, “I have worked with many good people who wondered if they had lost faith because they felt profound sorrow at the passing of a loved one. They mistakenly thought that a person with a strong testimony should not feel deeply saddened at a loved one’s passing—as if mourning the loved one’s death were synonymous with a disbelief in the afterlife or the Savior’s promises.” 1
The truth is there is only one person who can understand our greif– how our individual minds and body reacts to sadness, despair, and trauma. Even those who have gone through the same exact experience cannot fully comprehend anothers pain or process of sadness. We are individual beings and our reactions and personalities differ like the snowflakes of winter.
This being said, I cannot deny the healing power of my Savior that applies equally to all of us, regardless of personality or faithfulness. I have felt love from Christ throughout my entire life. I cannot deny this. But though I feel my Savior’s love, this physical body and mind of mine feels the effects of loss. And as painful as it has been, I have been accepting these natural emotions and letting them flow. This is okay. Grief is okay, in fact it’s actually normal and often takes time.
I know that the word “patience” is placed in this scripture for a reason. We need patience, our trials take time. I know though that eventually the Lord can make my burden light. Greif takes time.Now, as I am in my own Gethsemane, I see how important than ever it is to not judge those in trials, especially ourselves. I have learned that grieving does not equal more or less belief. I’m reminded of the reality of our imperfect world and that sadness, pain, stress, anxiety, and fear are part of His plan.
I am grateful that in the last few days, while grieving I have felt the gift of hope. I know things will work out. I know this and hope that if any of you are struggling with grief or how to speak with a grieving loved one, this post might be of some help. Love to you all.